just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
