White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
