You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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