Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
