Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
