Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
