someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
