Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize
