I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
