He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
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