someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
