i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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