How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
