I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
