you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
