his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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