how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
