My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
