apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
