Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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