I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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