Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
