I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
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