at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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