i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i out mim tonsoeep
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
We smell like vodka and hangover
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