Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
