My Higher Power is John Stamos
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
