I just pynch a tree in the face
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
