I think i sorta joined a cult last night
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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