So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
