Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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