did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
