You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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