I think my vagina is haunted
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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