The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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