i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
