Can Purell be used as lube?
We named our party play list daddy issues
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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