you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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