So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
