Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
