just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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