you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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