the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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