i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
