There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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