I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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