i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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