I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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