guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
