I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
