we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
