yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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