EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
