I met the friendliest cop last night
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
