Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
