I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize