And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
