he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
