no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
