Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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