sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
