i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The best revenge is premature balding
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
