But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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